Posts filed under 'facts that seem fiction'
davinci notes
the imposium has officially returned from its summer hiatus. we’re rested and relaxed. we’re mentally and physically rejuvenated. we’re even completely caught up on our summer reading. sorta. see, although we breezed through steinbeck’s of mice and men during our four-week stint at sleep-away camp and slowly but surely made our way through morrison’s beloved between barista shifts, dan brown’s most popular – cough/barf - novel proved just a little too cerebral for us. lucky, there are tools out there to turn a literary masterpiece like mr brown’s into a much more pedestrian read. like this one:
i kid, of course, but reading the davinci code is like submitting your intellect to four-hundred-plus pages of tee-ball, except that you’ll expend a lot more energy trying to understand why the author keeps reminding you that he’s dressed his hero in a tweed blazer than it does to swing a bat at an unmoving object and run on contact. this book is the nickelback boxed set of novels except most people who’ve bought a nickelback album don’t leave its liner notes on their night and/or coffee table as a gross public declaration of music fandom.
still, you’d have to assume that it’s just a matter of time before the davinci code becomes required reading of some sort. i mean, depending on who you ask, the davinci code has sold forty or fifty-million copies (which, if you’re keeping track, eclipses sales of the book i began writing in two-thousand-four by, again, depending on who you ask, roughly forty or fifty-million copies) and sheer present-day economics should dictate that schools ask their students to read books that most of their families already own.
i’m just saying.
Add comment September 14, 2009
jimmy fallon makes my dreams come true
as of this moment i’ve watched exactly eleven minutes of the jimmy fallon show. nine-and-a-half of those minutes were spent this morning watching this!
i cannot fully explain what this has done for my day. i could spend the rest of the day trying to explain the concept of twitter to my grandmother and this would still be one of the most fulfilling days i’ve had in some time. the residual disgust left from the homeless wine (alcoholic miscellany) and cheese (ninety-five-percent smoked and stomped out cigarette butts) party taking place outside my apartment this morning has all but dissipated and i am pretty confident that i now have the ability to fly. minus that last part.
many thanks to my cousin scotty for the years of saved by the bell trivia, the naming of the dominator and making this a wonderfully un-tuesday tuesday.
Add comment June 9, 2009
people.com and religion and bears. oh my!
it’s always charming when your friend mark, who has no problem consistently mocking the way (he believes) you’ve embraced social networking, often going so far as to suggest people who are wondering how/where you are refer to your facebook status and/or twitter feed in lieu of actually asking you, sends you a link that was referred to him via his people gossip widget. seriously. charming. really.
in any event, the link mark was referred to really was – and is – worth sharing, if for no other reason than to point out that people.com cares very much about the venn diagram created by the mel gibson and catholicism circles and that, while it was an apparently slow news week for natasha stoynoff, we should still applaud the icky grace with which she makes catholicism feel a little bit like scientology.
this was mark’s email:
subject: finally, people gossip widget has chosen to explain catholicism
body: i never realized how crazy catholicism sounded until it was gossiped about
Add comment June 2, 2009
ben is on notice
i can’t figure ben out. some weekends he’s off the grid entirely and other weekends he spends volunteering himself for pro-bono computer work for coworkers. he’s one of the most generous dudes i’ve ever met so i hesitate to write anything that would make him look less then stellar, but ultimately, it’s only a hesitation. so yeah, ben is one of my favorite people on this earth and i treasure each and every moment he decides to spend with me and/or my bootleg program-packed ibook, but i can’t help but find it confusing that while he sometimes won’t respond to a saturday morning sms suggesting lunch at furaibo until monday morning, he doesn’t hesitate to email me before ten am on a friday with the subject reading: “wanna jerk off on my model train tracks?” and the following screen grab from craigslist attached:
(click on the image to enlarge)
in regards to the model train set: impressive. so impressive. so very impressive that you can fill a room with enough knickknacks to let anyone who enters know immediately that they are in for a treat…assuming their hobbies include model trains, claustrophobia and an unshakable suspicion of imminent abduction.
in regards to the topless man photographing himself in the mirror: am i the only one who is disappointed that this gentleman can’t figure out a way to look towards the reflection of the camera? i mean, is he really so concerned with what he looks like – admittedly, he’s a formless mass o’ mush with two nipples sitting precariously in the middle of his torso and a face that might recall just enough mr. belding to open up a set with a few teenage girls – that he would rather ensure his body is captured properly then let us see a little more of what i’m assuming are disturbingly beady eyes?
in regards to the craigslist post: wow. i mean, really, truly wow. if this is real, this guy needs to be locked away, but not until someone explains to him that typos in a perversely homoerotic mutual touching and imitation crab dinner solicitation really do distract from the intent of said post.
happy friday!
1 comment May 15, 2009
isiah stumbles forward…again
remember that guy who took your fading nba franchise – the one in need of a homegrown rebuild spearheaded by young talent – and traded the entire team away for new, enormous, untradeable contracts, let said franchise slide to sh*t, first as a general manager and then as a coach, slowly reminding everyone that he was the guy who lead the cba – an organization that existed merrily for fifty-six years – to bankruptcy before zigzagging his way through jobs and organizations before finding several positions in your team’s organization, where he sexually assaulted at least one woman on the job and overdosed on sleeping pills – an event he would unimaginably pin on his daughter – after his dismissal? do you remember that guy? he was one of the greatest point guards in NBA history and when he talks he sounds like a guy who dresses in silk and wants to tell you about oil paintings over fancy tea. and he has another job.
either way, florida international university, congrats on your first college basketball-related news snippet. either your research staff think it’s nineteen eighty-eight or you’re about to find out that the dean’s favorite daughter has a thing for effeminate ex-ball players. job, well, done.
Add comment April 14, 2009
brandon walsh flies business class
carpenter, luminary and remixer to the stars, gerard st. croix emailed me eight minutes ago aboard his los angeles-bound aircraft. “jason priestly (is) sitting next to me,” gsc reported.
yes, i am jealous. yes, i asked if emily valentine was with him (huge mistake, brando). yes, i am only kinda joking.
Add comment April 10, 2009
the jerk
my friend, the great crimin-al, sent me an sms this morning lamenting that his office, much to his dismay, has put up a firewall, making work-time porn an impossibility. he wrote:
“…i’m used to porn pretty much all day as i dial my phone. not sick shit either. run of the mill porn and celeb gossip, but they took it all away yesterday.”
so this is for big crim, from me, discovered by ronye, as sometimes a couple of morons taking themselves completely too seriously is better than (watching) sex…sometimes.
i’m pretty sure i know how i feel about this video. what i don’t know, however, is how i feel about this happening not a quarter mile from me without my knowledge. yes, in my head i am very much the mayor of ridiculous sh*t land!
2 comments April 8, 2009
volchock, watch your back
i may have completely imagined this, but either my near-sightedness and astigmatism are way worse than my optometrist previously diagnosed or someone gave ryan atwood a badge…
man, if you thought chino’s favorite son was fearless before…
it’s kinda hard to confidently say that this show looks good, but, if nothing else, the arrival of southland finally provides the answer “no” to my decade-long question: “is ER really still on the air?”
Add comment April 8, 2009
